For as long as I can remember, I have had trouble with maths, math, mathematics. Whatever the name, it still bears the same result... (hey maybe I do get maths). ANXIETY, FEAR, DREAD.

In primary school, of course, we all learn the basics, along with a heavy focus on our times tables - adding, subtracting, multiplication, division, etc. Some of my early memories of my issues with maths are not understanding the concepts in school, and the main peculiarity - learning my times tables off by heart, but then they just wouldn't stick.

My mum would help me learn using the Irish primary school staple, Fallon’s Table Book, and said that I’d relay them back to her and then 15 minutes later she’d test me again, but I would have forgotten. So, I guess instead of actually figuring out WHY certain sums resulted in their answers, I simply let them in one ear and then they accelerated quite quickly out the other ear. Like a magic disappearing coin trick.

Writing this now, I can also relay it to memory issues common with ADHD, or else maybe just learning them in the way that worked for me. However, it was the first sign of an actual learning difference since memory difficulties in learning maths is also a trait in dyscalculia, along with understanding the concepts of how numbers relate to each other.

*The Fallon’s Tiny Table Book of Nightmares*
(I couldn’t figure out how to reduce the size of the image in the blog, although I feel it symbolises the terrifying scale)

By definition on Dyslexia Ireland:

‘Dyscalculia is a learning difference that can cause difficulties with core mathematics (maths).’

‘People with dyscalculia lack an intuitive grasp of simple number concepts or ‘number sense’. They have difficulties estimating the magnitude of numbers, exhibit poor understanding of number relationships, and lack fluency with simple numerical operations.

Sometimes where the right answer is achieved or the correct procedure followed, it may have been done mechanically, or with great effort and anxiety.’

At the time of writing, I am 36, almost 37 years old, and I didn’t hear of dyscalculia until I was studying in Abersytwyth University in Wales when I went back to study as a ‘mature’ student at 25.

Growing up in Ireland, I never heard about it, nor had I considered it to be a possibility that my struggles with maths was an actual explainable condition! I just thought I was stupid or that ‘maths wasn’t my strong point’. Well, the latter still counts, but the relationship I had with maths was a stark difference to simply just ‘not being good at maths’.

This echoes my ADHD discovery at age 29/30, which you can read a bit more about in a separate blog post here.

I remember wishing when I was younger that I was dyslexic because that was a real learning difference that you heard about, it held an explanaition, and my dyslexic peers would get extra help in school. I did still get extra help with maths, but I had internalised that it was becuase I was stupid. I viewed dyslexia as something that had nothing to do with intelligence, which is why I wished for it. This brought massive shame, anxiety, and panic, which, of course, didn’t help the maths situation!

So, to hear about dyscalculia for the first time at 25 in uni, was so validating. Okay, so hilariously and ironically, I was studying animal science in uni, but I loved biology, anatomy, immunology, zoology, and pharmacology, and in true ADHD style, I always followed my passions and interests. A tremendous amount of masking accompanied me too, “just try harder!”

*A good use of a lab coat and scrubs in uni - a last minute (as usual) Hallowe’en costume!*

I absolutely hated statistics, SPSS was my Fallons of uni, and I muddled through the chemistry modules. I already felt like a giant imposter in uni, I was 25, after studying music before, I was Irish, studying in a different country, and undiagnosed neurodivergent. I always struggled with my mental health and uni was no different, but I think it set important roots for my neurodivergent discovery and even harder lessons in figuring out who I was.

Just like all neurodiversity, there is a spectrum and variation of how people experience and express traits. A common feature of dyscalculia include things like difficulties with learning how to tell the time, which I have never had a numeric issue with, but of course, there is an ADHD concept of time issue! For instance, with ADHD, I can read and tell the time no problem, but I lack an innate sense of how long tasks take, and how much time has passed.

And in contradiction, I’ve always had a really good memory for phone numbers, birthdays, car registrations, and passwords. Maybe that’s the aul’ autistic side poking through! My main dyscalculia problem, and I still struggle with today, is calculation and arithmetic.

Simple arithmetic I CANNOT do mentally, I can only calculate in 5s, 10s, and anything that follows. The SHAME and EMBARRASSMENT I carried with me for YEARS haunted me.

I had many jobs over the years where I had to ‘cash-up’ at the end of the day and I would worry about it the entire shift, sweating and feeling incredibly embarrassed if I struggled, which I always did. People noticed, too, and whilst some were sound and helpful about it, others would sneeringly ask me to do it, knowing that I struggled.

Another regular, simple example is if I am looking up an actor on iMDB and it only gives their year of birth, I find it impossible to tell their age unless it’s something near to my own or loved ones’ years of birth that I can reference. This is why I love Wikipedia who displays a person’s age; no sweating over it.

Reflecting on this now, I know I heavily masked my struggles for 32 years, the time before my ADHD diagnosis. I didn’t have the language to describe it, nor did I feel like I could talk about it. That constant vigilance was exhausting.

Dyscalculia can be a common co-occurance alongside neurotypes like ADHD and autism, and falls under the neurodivergent umbrella.

I can still get anxious over maths, I triple-check everything, use a calculator constantly, ask for help from others, and I sometimes catch myself still gaslighting myself that I get things wrong even if they’re correct!

Overall, I am comfortable with my dyscalculia and handle it well these days, and clearly, the fact that I’m not ashamed to share my honest experience shows how proud I am to be neurodivergent!

If you relate to dyscalculia or maths difficulties, check out these resources:

https://dyslexia.ie/info-hub/about-dyslexia/dyscalculia-and-maths-difficulties/

https://www.bdadyslexia.org.uk/dyscalculia

https://www.ucd.ie/all/t4media/Dyscalculia%20Fact%20Sheet.pdf